I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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