my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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