my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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