My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
