oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
