Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
