so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
