You can't special order awesome
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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