So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
