I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
