I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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