my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
