Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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