oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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