Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
