don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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