Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
