So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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