I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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