I need to stop coming to work sober
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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