Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
