if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
