I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
