Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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