After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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