I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
