Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
