My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
