my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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