Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
