Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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