Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
