Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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