Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
