There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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