Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
