$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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