She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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