before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
