shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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