Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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