Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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