just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
