I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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