Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
