3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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