Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
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