You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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