Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Two words: blizzard sex
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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