he fucked my hip out of place.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
