Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
